New Signs of Happiness

(In talking about a program to study for a multiple choice test where upon answering a question, you either see a green check mark or a red "X" next to your answer choice.)

K: I am at the point where I know there is an exception to the rule but can't remember what the exception is and I keep going back and forth between the two last options.

S: I know, I can narrow it down to two choices but then I usually end up picking the wrong one.

K: Me too. I just sit there wondering which one is the correct answer and then after I click the answer, I just hope and pray I don't see a big fat red X.

S: haha. Yes, the green check mark has become a sign of all goodness, hope, and happiness in the world.

(maybe you had to be there. Or at least have taken the test.... =P)

Hitch 101

C: How many times did you watch Hitch?

M: Why?

C: You used the tactics in the movie Hitch to get H, didn't you?

H: Yes, he did the dance.

A: Aaawww!! That's a nice say of saying that M thinks he's dating up!

(I emphasize....the cup is half full.)

I am Woman, Watch Me Pretend.

L: He said he wanted to try to wrestle me to see if he could flip me over. I tried my hardest and held my ground. After a while I started encouraging him by telling him to try harder and that he could do it.

M: Oh my god. You are so clueless and emasculated him.

P: And this is after they were cuddling!

L: What? I'm supposed to let him win and just inflate his ego by saying he's strong?!

X: Yes!

L: I'm supposed to pretend?

R: We are women! Pretending is what we do!!

Lazy, But Not Alone

Conversation:

A: I don't want to wash my face! I'm soo lazy!

R: No one told you that you had to. I practically had to force myself to wash my face and brush my teeth. I am lazy.

A: You are not alone~. I am lazy too~. Though we're far apart~, we are both lazy farts~~.

(Thanks Michael!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPyxgHCNxUE

Lone Studier

Student's mind starts wandering after studying for an important exam and comes up with the following song to reflect the situation of being alone and studying alone sends this email:

I'm soo bored I might die, so I will "sing" a song for you:

Lonely~, I am so lonely~, I am a hermit, all by my own EEEEEEEEeeEeEEEEEEEE!


(Sung to the tune of Mr. Lonely.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3FAH0NFvmA&feature=related

Birthdays - Sucks to be in a Rut

Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. It got me thinking about the people who have birthdays tomorrow. What if you don't even like football but all of your friends do?

So some birthdays just feel more special than others because they happen to fall on a holidays. The more famous or popular the holiday, the more special people say your birthday is.

The ultimate seems like Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. We all talk about how special you are for having those birthdays, yadda yadda yadda. Those birthdays are the worst though if you think about it.

At least during Thanksgiving, you get to see your family and you probably get gifts, but people are too busy celebrating the holiday so all you get is a cake which blends in with all the pies and other desserts.

If you are born on Christmas or Christmas Eve, it sucks because often times people only give you one present. Actually, at least if you are born on Christmas or Christmas Eve, please at least acknowledge that you are a Christmas baby. If you are born on the 22nd or something, you aren't special AND you don't get extra presents.

New Years, well it might not seem so bad when you are young, because you might get presents separate from Christmas, but then when you are older, it is quite possible that you or all your friends will be hung over on your birthday.

Then, if you have a birthday where businesses give a day off, such as Memorial Day, people leave town so you don't have any friends to hang out with.

Of course, for regular birthdays, if it falls on a weekday, then your friends might not be able to do much because they have to work the next day, but at least you get dinner or you move the celebration to the nearest weekend. Of course then you have to compete with everyone else who was born in the same proximity as you.

Maybe the best birthdays are the ones where you were born on the first or last day of the month. For whatever reason, it seems significant, but you are still not a holiday.

Hmmmm....what a strange turn of events. I love birthdays and I am a true believer in Birthday week (the celebration of your birthday over a weeks period of time) and getting whatever you want. Originally I began writing this post to show that although on its face, it seems like it is fun to have a birthday on a holiday, birthdays on "normal" days are the best, but now it seems there is a bad side to every birthday. Either that or I'm just being pessimistic. Probably both.

It sucks to be in a rut.

Revealing Comments

R holds "the squat" position in a public restroom. Before she knows it, she loses control of her aim and hits her pant leg leaving a round circle of dampness on the bottom of her pant leg. R never knew what it looked like when people peed on their leg before. Seeing she never knew what it looked like, R tries to pull it off as if she somehow splashed water on herself. (How she would suddenly get the bottom of the back side of her leg wet by accident, you'd never know...)

R overreacting after going back into the office: "Dang it! I spilled water on myself!"

T: "Looks like you peed down your leg and onto your pants."

R (*Shocked silent for 5 seconds*) comes to a realization then exclaims: "You only know that because you've done it before!"

T: ...

Obvious "Hidden" Answer

C: I like this show because all the characters in it are nice people. It just makes me happy. I wish there were more shows like this. Instead, all the other shows I watch have soo much drama and conflict.

A: Why don't you just watch shows that have happy, nice people and stop watching the other shows?

C: ...

Reminder: TV is Not Real

(A gets sucked into a historical drama of sorts that takes real historical occurrences but fills in the blanks to the full extent that literary freedom allows. It is a story of kings, conspiracies, love, and corruption all wrapped in one. After the end of the episode:)

A: I hate that queen. She is soo evil. I wish they would have just killed her!

M: The guy you like becomes king, it has a happy ending, so don't worry.

A: That's not the point! She's going to cause soo much trouble and headache and probably end up causing deaths too!

M: Honey, all those characters are dead. They don't care. Calm down.

A: ...

Math Word Problem:Lawyers as Water:Oil

I recently received an email challenging "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" I am assuming it is inspired by the TV show. Included in the email was the following math problem:

>> There are 7 girls in a bus
> Each girl has 7 backpacks
> In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
> For every big cat there are 7 little cats
> Question: How many legs are there in the bus?
>> This is a real math problem so don't say that a bus has no legs.

So I consider myself to be good at math, but this question baffled me. My issue with answering this question was that all my years of legal training made it so that I contemplate the true meaning of every word. The "problem" with this question is that it left too much room for interpretation and left unanswered questions. Did all the girls have both legs? Did the girls have their backpacks with them? Was this some sort of trick question? The last statement says that "this is a real math problem" so does that mean there aren't any tricks? How am I supposed to answer this question when I can't figure out exactly what it is asking?

My first instinct was that the answer was 14 because there is no mentioning that the children have their backpacks with them. I wasn't mean enough to amputate anyone. When I found this was the wrong answer, I figured that I need to stop analyzing the question and just do to math.

Because I had such a grand time with the problem, I decided to forward it to people I know, including other lawyers. I found out that they too had problems because they were asking the same questions I was, plus a few more.

That's when it hit me. Lawyers, we are one messed up group of people who over analyze.

Thirty is the New Twenty

T: So, I saw this card today. It was a card for a person turning thirty. There is a picture of a couple in their 50s or 60s on the cover. Inside it says, "This is what you look like to a twenty year old."

A: (28 going on 29) Whatever! That card can shove it because I got carded for lottery tickets twice this year!

(The age for buying lottery tickets is 18 years old)

The Difference Between "Ah" and "Aye"

K: Hey I have those same shoes!

A: You know what that means don't you?

K: What?

A: (Option 1) It means you have great taste!
A: (Option 2) It means I must have great taste!

Both Option 1 and 2 essentially say that both K and A have great taste, but the two options can leave K feeling two totally different moods.

The Value of a Surprise vs. The Value of Anticipation

So there I've been to a lot of "Surprise" parties recently. Everyone loves surprises because it is just something happy that we don't expect. I wonder however if it is worth all the work.

Usually everyone has to run around keeping a secret and trying organize your party without you knowing. The whole time you are clueless or at least supposed to be and so you are just sitting there thinking that maybe no one loves you because there has been no talk about what will happen on your birthday. Maybe you think that a surprise is waiting for you, but at the same time, you don't want to get your hopes up so you just wait and are either surprised or disappointed.

The thing about surprise parties is...is that we have surprise parties for special occasions. We all know that the special occasion is coming. Most people want to celebrate this special occasion so why do we keep hiding it?

Has everyone forgotten the value of anticipation and preparation? The excitement you have from counting down the days till your party and you will be surrounded by people who love you. After all, it'll be the people you love you that go through the trouble of trying to surprise you. The fun of getting dressed up in your own way so that you can be as presentable as can be. I also think that included in the anticipation is the ability to mentally prepare yourself for what is to come as well. Even if you had a crappy day at work, you know that a party is waiting for you. You might not even want it, but at least you can mentally prepare yourself. At a surprise party, you don't have time to prep yourself. Instead you might come home after a long, hard day at work, looking like a mess, and just want to be alone and WHAM! Twenty people jump out at you yelling "Surprise!!!" looking all excited, and instantly you have to put on a happy face and play your part.

When the occasional loud mouth ruins the surprise, that person becomes the butt of "ruined party" jokes. But what is the end result? The guest of honor is happy because he knows that there is a party. The other planners and guests still look forward to the party.

I've really started thinking that a surprise party is more fun for the people making the party because they get to enjoy all the anticipation of the party and the fun of surprising the guest of honor. The surprise actually transfers all the pre-party fun to the party planners instead of the party guest. That's probably why surprise parties are popular.

Don't get me wrong, I like surprise parties, but I wonder if they are as great as they are cracked up to be.

What's In A Kiss? (Part 2)

A1: So I was thinking about your comment on kissing. I wondered if it was because it feels good for your lips to touch another pair of soft, warm lips.

A2: So?

A1: I realized that isn't it because I was looking at a picture and I kissed it. All I felt is cold, hard glass, but I was still happy!

Foot In Mouth, Head in Gutter

(Waiting in line for a haunted frat house.)

T: So have you been playing by yourself alot?

A: Yeah. Recently I changed my name to "Lollipop." Everyone thought I sucked so no one would play with me.

T: Omg...you shouldn't say that out loud.

A: ??? (takes a good 5 seconds to understand why) (suddenly mortified after seeing that surround people are trying to hide their smiles, speaks loudly and clearly). IF PEOPLE ARE EAVESDROPPING, IT ISN'T MY FAULT THAT PEOPLE HAVE THEIR HEADS IN THE GUTTER WHEN I'M TAKING ABOUT A SCREEN NAME FOR AN INNOCENT GAME!

What's In a Kiss?

So one day my mom came over and gave me a kiss. It got me thinking. What really is in a kiss that we want to do it with the people we love? I mean, why don't we want to match our butts with our friends and family. Maybe some people do.

Maybe it is psychosomatic. Maybe the happiness we feel from eating is associated with the happiness from kissing? As babies, I know our mouths are the most sensitive body part and that's why they try to eat everything. Maybe it is like smiling. Even when you are sad, if you smile, your brain is tricked into thinking you are happy.

But then again, do we associate kissing with happiness because ever since we are born we are kissed and told to give kisses. We are obviously taught that kissing is a good thing that you do with people you like. Seeing that every society I know of kisses....well, you'd think it would have to be something more than psychosomatic.

I just wonder if a baby never saw kissing happen and wasn't taught about kissing, whether or not that baby would kiss people he/she loved. I totally think that if you let a male and a female live on a deserted island (and they didn't die of various other problems), they'd end up populating the place. Just don't know if they would give each other pecks all the time.

There is probably some viable scientific explanation that this layman just does not know, but it still amuses me every time I give someone a peck, as to why I do it or I want to do it. I think however it is one of those "Chicken or the Egg" concepts. The world may never know...

(Side Note: So in looking for pictures to place with this post, I found a few articles with possible theories as to the origin of kissing, but the overall conclusion is that we may never know. I must be a genius!)

Agnorant

A: Did you know that kids are making new words? I heard one word, Agnorant.

J: Agnorant?

A: Yeah, it means something is aggravating and ignorant at the same time.

J: That word is agnorant! That's the best definition for it!

Spoiled But Still Wants to be Pitied

(A mother tries to use a pen from daughter's desk and finds it empty. She makes a funny face.)

M: (Sarcastically) Great~~.

D: What? Don't look at me like that! You should pity me because I don't have any working pens.

M: What?! Pity you? You own mountains of pens. There are a stack of pens in the other room!

D: Those pens are empty. I was saving them so I could glue them together to make a picture frame. You should pity me because I used up all that ink studying.

M: Pity you? You should pity me for having to pay for all that schooling!

Mommy's Little Girl

(A mother looks at her daughter sitting in a room and thinks that she's soo cute that she will show her baby off to a fellow worker. She goes out to seek the fellow worker.)

M: Hey, how old is your daughter?

W: 24

M: Oh, then she's too old to be cute.

(Mother goes back into the room where she left her baby to get her.)

M: Hey, come here, I want to show W how cute you are. His daughter is 24 so she's too old to be cute.

D: Uhhh....Mom....I'm 26.

DINK or SUNK?

So I just heard "DINK" for the first time yesterday, or yesterday was the first time I actually paid attention. Anyway...

"DINK" stands for "Dual Income No Kids."

I was laying in bed last night and it hit me. If there is a DINK, then I must be "SUNK."

"Single Unemployed No Kids"

Maybe that is the circle of life. SUNK, SINK, DINK, DIWK, RIP....

You know you are old when...

E: How old are you?

A: 28

E: Wow. Just wait till you are 30. Something happens then.

J: (Man in his early 30s) Yeah. One day I found myself in a robe with socks and slippers bending down for a newspaper with my legs wide apart and only bending at the waist. I knew I was there.

E: (Man in his mid-30s) No, you know when you are there when you start leveraging the mailbox with one hand while you bend down for the newspaper.

H: (Man in his 40s) No, you know when you are there when you wake up and you feel hung over but you know that all you did the night before was work.

All Choked Up

(Conversation between three men at a wedding reception.)

Groomsman: Man, you almost got me when you were saying your vows.

Groom: Yeah, I didn't forget the words or anything, I was just choked up.

Guest1: For real, it was as if something got into both my eyes at the same time.

First True Love

(An 18 year old called a radio station requesting to dedicate a song to someone with whom he was "very in love." The DJ asked if this was his "First True Love." )

"First True Love"

What is that? It doesn't seem quite an oxymoron, but either why the statement seems nonsensical. You'd assume you only have one "true" love, but maybe this is me keeping the romanticist idea that we all have a "soul mate," as some people would call it.

Maybe it just depends on what word you emphasize or what the definition of true is. If you take "true" love as meaning the ultimate love of your life, then you should only have one. If you take "true love" meaning, a pure, honest love, well... then I guess you can have as many as your heart can handle.

With that said, maybe that's how so many people fall in love and get married (discounting the high divorce rates out there.)

It has been said that love isn't something you feel, but it is something that comes from two people looking in the same direction. Can we all fall truly in love with anyone so long as we are headed in the same direction or is that just extended companionship? Some married people do say that after a while the burning love you have for each other turns into the deepest respect and friendship. Maybe we all have love staring us in the face but we chose to ignore it because we are waiting to be swept off our feet, whatever that means.

New Year's Resolution 101

(After a conversation about how someone is not following her New Year's Resolution.)

B: You are breaking your New Year's Resolution already.

T: Today is Jan. 1st. It is a holiday. You don't have to follow New Year's Resolution on a holiday! Besides, on the first of the year, you should do whatever you want to do and just be happy because it sets the tone for the rest of the year.

B: That's not fair.

T: Whatever, and if you mess up, you can reset/restart on Lunar New Year.

B: Dang it! I wish you would have told me that before I kept my New Year's Resolution for today!

Got Water?

(So in this time of drought where officials tell us that we'll run out of drinking water in a matter of a couple of months if it doesn't rain, people have crazy conversations.)

A: You know? Maybe instead of just calling October "Shorter Shower Month," they should ask people to shower only every other day instead of everday.

D: Or...maybe we could all shower together!